I just tucked Sam into his bed. The weekend is over for him, and soon it will be for me too. I have had him since Thursday afternoon, and it has been brilliant, but today has definitely been the hardest day. I am tired (looking after a two year old with bags of energy is tiring) and Sam was a bit tired today (he wasn't cranky, more whiney) and the weather was a bit rubbish. Having said that, we really did have a lovely day, and Sam must have smiled for 90% of it.
Now, I said I would not discuss what happened between his Mamma and I on the blog, and I won't. But I can discuss how I am feeling. And today, was definitely one of my hardest days since arriving. The reason being that hanging around in parks, with happy couples, and their lovely children gets you down after a while if that is what you wanted for yourself. Now, I can hear my friend / life coach / saviour, Steve say "you have to make the most of what you got", and whilst that is very true, it is hard not to feel sorry for yourself occassionally. And hanging out with happy couples all weekend eventually got to me. Having said that, I have got Sam next weekend as well, and I am truly grateful and wouldn't want it any other way... But surely I can feel sad sometimes?
My brother asked me on the phone yesterday, is it better or worse than you thought living in Stockholm on your own? So far, honestly it is much better than I thought. Having said that, my fear is this is the honeymoon period. I am really busy trying to build a life, start a new job, find a full time job, and playing Dad to Sam... What happens when it's winter, and I have built most of my life? I hope, that I will have a full time job by then, which will fill my time when I am not with Sam.
I did have an interview with a really cool digital agency in Stockholm last week, they really liked me, but they won't know till September if they can afford to employ me (and that would be at approximately two thirds of what I was on in Stockholm, so its not like I am asking the world!). I have a big interview this week at a different web agency on Thursday. Hopefully they do have a job, that they can offer me, if they like me more than the other candidates... We shall see...
So yes, overall I am doing ok, but as Ronan Keating sang "life is a rollercoaster" and I am definitely on the dip down today. Tomorrow is Sam's first day at nursery. I am going with him all day. So is his Mamma. Lots of other kids are starting nursery for the first time tomorrow, so all their parents will be their too. It could be another tough day...
Anyway to finish off, here is a lovely video of Sam from today, in the park (loving couples not featured!)
Is it okay if I say I get it? I don't have a kid, I just have the big black furry dogs, but I still get it. The feeling sorry bit. The happy families.
ReplyDeleteYou do your best to remember to rejoice in all that you have. To be grateful. We all know life could be shit times worse, but, yes, I will just share and acknowledge that I "get" it.
And tell you that you are one fab dad and your son is really blessed to have you as such a beautiful part of his life.
I certainly get where you´re coming from mate, but what comes out of all that is you had a lovely day with your lovely kid - and that´s all precious. He was smiling most of that time because he was happy, and that´s because he was with you and loving it...and you.
ReplyDeleteLike we all do mate.
xx